Courtesy photo
“What Angry Kids Need: Parenting Your Angry Child Without Going Mad” help make this tough subject easier to grasp.

Anger is a normal and necessary emotion. But most people don’t want to live with this feeling for long periods of time, as it is uncomfortable and often difficult to handle.

Children, in particular, often demonstrate anger more quickly than adults because they lack sufficient life experience. They may seem to be over-reacting to a situation because they don’t understand the possible positive outcomes.

For example, a young child who doesn’t comprehend that his parents regularly return from work or night engagements might feel abandoned when left with a babysitter.

There are a number of reasons for children’s anger and ahere are strategies that parents can use to deal with the sources of this anger, as well as tools that both parents and children can implement to control such strong feelings.

In their new book, “What Angry Kids Need: Parenting Your Angry Child Without Going Mad” (Parenting Press, 2008), local authors Jennifer Brown and Pam Hopkins help make this tough and often touchy subject easier to grasp.

Both women, licensed mental health counselors, have private family therapy practices in Woodinville. They have known each other professionally for many years and have worked together in the past on several occasions.

“We were approached by Parenting Press to do this book,” explains Hopkins, “and we jumped at the opportunity, as our specialization is working with angry kids. These are the ones we prefer to work with because they are energetic and passionate children who understand that feelings need to be expressed. And that’s what they’re trying to do – however misguided they are in the methods they choose.”

Jennifer Brown Pam Hopkins

Brown agrees and adds, “Kids who yell, kick, hit, throw things and attack others can be extremely rewarding to work with. I have always been drawn to these so-called problem kids.”

Perhaps, it’s because Brown herself was stubborn, argumentative and strong-willed as a child.

“My parents have said they started out with the goal of raising a strong, independent-minded young woman, but that by the time I reached school age, they only dreamed of compliance!” she chuckles.

The two women spent over a year working on their book, spending each Friday at the computer together.

Brown had a baby in the middle of it all, but the pair continued to meet, determined to finish what they started.

The result is an accessible, comprehensive overview of children’s anger, written in language that parents, caregivers and teachers can easily understand.

The book explains why kids get angry, what anger management skills they and their families can learn, how adults can model anger management techniques and how adults can cope when nothing seems to do the trick.

It’s geared for parents and those who work with kids from birth to 12 years old and is presented as a practical guide with realistic advice that includes charts, step-by-step lists, exercises, dialogues, sample scenarios and illustrations.

The authors identify developmental reasons for children’s anger, including frustration tolerance, impulse control, limited vocabulary and problem-solving.

“Kids have to learn to recognize cues of psychological distress,” says Hopkins. “Until they do, and until they know how to soothe themselves, they’ll have little tolerance for frustration. And they also have less ability to control their impulses.”

She goes on to explain that with regards to vocabulary, kids generally lack the words to label their emotions and they’re more likely to express themselves physically.

Additionally, they haven’t learned to identify a problem and its cause, as well as the possible solutions, so they are not adept at solving problems on their own.

Hopkins adds that aside from developmental stages, some kids just seem to be angrier than others. Possible explanations might be due to the child’s health, temperament, past life experiences, stressful family situation, school, childcare or social situations and the violence shown in the media.

In their book, the authors emphasize the importance of patience and practice in developing the ability to handle anger. They stress that nothing works every time and that it may take dozens of repetitions or more of a strategy before there is a change in the child’s behavior.

“Solving a problem with anger is more like planting a tree than putting out a fire,” reminds Brown. “Almost everyone underestimates how long it takes for change to occur.”

Both women also point out that parents must take care of themselves and that making time to do this is not a luxury, but rather a necessity.

Hopkins says, “Taking care of yourself is taking care of your family.” She adds, “It’s also important to reach out for help and support if you need it and not to be embarrassed or feel ashamed in any way.”

Though they secretly hope that Oprah will call them about their book, the authors realize that the best way for them to get the word out about it is via a grassroots approach. They plan to give a series of presentations at various conferences and meetings in the community and are very amenable to working with local PTA groups.

“Our goal is not to make money, though it would be nice to make back all the latte money we spent while writing it,” laughs Hopkins. “We just want people to know that anger in kids can be dealt with. With the right tools and support, children can learn to understand their feelings and articulate them. They can find safe ways to be angry and utilize specific techniques to calm themselves down, while practicing skills to use to solve their problems constructively.

“All kids, not only those with anger issues, can benefit by being emotionally intelligent and capable with their feelings.”