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Police Beat - Nov. 14, 2011

  • Written by Compiled by Maggie Inahara from City of Woodinville Police Reports

The Biggest Loser

It’s hard enough to get motivated to go to the gym — what possibly could be less inspiring than having your purse containing your phone, money and keys stolen out of your locker while you’re working up that sweat?

Although there are currently no suspects, one has to hope that if someone is eventually caught, they are sentenced to 500 continuous hours of Sweatin’ to the Oldies, wearing candy-striped Dolfin shorts and tank tops decorated with Swarovski crystals.

I’ll take a cheeseburger, fries and a nap

Maybe it was a turkey burger with tryptophan which caused such sudden sleepiness in the lass found napping by police in a local fast food establishment.

It could have been a simple case of mistaken identity whereby the booth bore a striking resemblance to her bed at home. It definitely wasn’t the aroma of Thanksgiving emanating from her person, but an odor familiar to those well-schooled in the essence of illegal botanical substances.

A simple inquiry confirmed that our Z-logger was indeed in possession of a small amount of the greenish ganja, but not to worry. This actually belonged to her boyfriend, and she was merely holding it for him. Our “mari” miss was arrested, fingerprinted and cited for possession.

Before He Cheats

Right then, he was probably slow dancing

With a bleached-blond tramp

She was probably getting frisky.

Right then, he was probably buying

Her some fruity little drink

‘Cause she couldn’t shoot whiskey.

And he don’t know:

That she poured paint and scratched up all the sides of his pretty little souped-up 4-wheel drive.

Spread dog poopy all up and down the outside door where the car could be found.

(O.K., the tune ends here)

The deputy’s investigation located a female suspect who later admitted to the crime.  She was fingerprinted and released with pending felony malicious mischief charges.

And maybe next time he’ll think …

Police Beat - Nov. 7, 2011

  • Written by Compiled by Maggie Inahara from City of Woodinville Police Reports

CANOE CAPER

A puzzled paddler returned to this car in a hotel lot and found the canoe MIA.  The poached pirogue had been securely locked to the vehicle’s overhead rack prior to the owner’s indoor excursion.

Here’s hoping that the pilferer finds himself up a very large creek without the paddle.

ROPE-A-DOPE

Two employees at a business apparently mistook their office for a boxing ring.

After some floating like butterflies and stinging like bees, a computer printer joined the fracas, delivering a cut to the chin of one of the pugilists.

The match was called at this point, with the uninjured employee being cited for investigation of assault.

The printer remains undefeated.

POOR PENMANSHIP

One of the greatest worries being brought about by the “age of computers” is that proper penmanship will go by the wayside.

This was the case near the Dairy Queen, where a pole had been graffitied in red paint in a manner which was completely undecipherable.

Several interpretations were proffered, but alas, public works crews were on the scene covering up the mysterious message before further analysis could occur.

WHEN BATHROOMS LOOK LIKE BEDROOMS

Have you ever been just so doggoned tired that you decided to turn in right then and there?

This is usually a good idea, unless you happen to be in a store bathroom stall at the time.

Perhaps a sudden urge to slumber wasn’t the proximate cause for the particularly deep state of REM our Mr. Van Winkle was found in.

His failure to respond to the usual sleep busting moves indicated a level of intoxication and incapacitation normally relegated to those imbibers of vast quantities of adult beverages.

Yes, indeed, “Rip” was ripped.

He was taken by ambulance to a Seattle de-tox facility for 40 more winks.

Police Beat - Oct. 31, 2011

  • Written by Compiled by Maggie Inahara from City of Woodinville Police Reports

IT’S A MIRACLE!

What do most people do when their car is stolen?  In the case of one would-be victim, the natural course of action was to wander around the rear of a nearby house and attempt to remove the bathroom window screen, ostensibly in case the car was stashed in the bathtub.

Apparently, this procedure did not lead to the recovery of the rifled roadster, so our injured party attempted the same action again at another abode.

This time, the outcome was in the form of a hostile homeowner who wasn’t buying his story.

It was a miraculous outcome for all, as the missing motorcar suddenly materialized in the form of a dark green sedan in front of the house.

Our recipient of the supernatural sped off into the sunset without leaving so much as a pillar of salt behind. Miracles are seldom caught on tape, but this is one for the ages, as a neighbor’s surveillance camera provided video evidence of the entire event.  Hallelujah!

PEEK A BOO

Why oh why can’t a guy park his car in front of a nail salon without looking suspicious? Well, if the nail salon is closed, and an alert officer checks your tags to discover you’re a known convicted burglary felon, your need for that pink and white fill may come into question. Sure enough, the officer’s flashlight beam caught the startled orbs of a perp peeking back at him from behind the counter.

Making a run for it, our manicure-deprived maniac and his accomplice attempted a rear-entry exit, only to execute an about face and crash through the front door.

A smooth escape requires grace, and exhibiting none, suspect one was immediately apprehended after a sloppy half gainer down the embankment.

Thinking he had escaped the long arm of the law, suspect two made it to his car, speeding  away without benefit of vehicular roadway illumination.

Like a scene from Tru TV, number two decided to bail the car, abort the clean getaway and hide in the woods.

Nobody could follow that trail, right?  Except maybe an able-nosed K-9 assistant. This manic mani-pedi expedition ended in a booking into King County Jail for investigation of burglary.

HOW ABOUT A NICE HAWAIIAN PUNCH?

Some criminals exercise absolutely no manners at all. After making his refreshment selections without any intention of paying, a confrontation with the store security officer resulted in a punch instead of an apology. This breach of etiquette has now resulted in a charge of misdemeanor theft and assault.

MULTI-METROPOLITAN MAYHEM

A dysfunctional driver embarked on a three-city spree of spreading terror in the streets, threatening life, limb and paw.  A Woodinville officer attempted to pull over the lunatic for his reckless ways, but safety concerns prevailed, and our scoundrel sped away, hell bent for leather.

It was later determined the same vehicle had been pulled over earlier by Kenmore PD and the driver had been ticketed.

Bothell Police also attempted to stop the car earlier, but did not engage in a pursuit.

Rumor has it our speed demon was late for his driver’s ed class.

Police Beat - Oct. 24, 2011

  • Written by Compiled by Maggie Inahara from City of Woodinville Police Reports

SHIVER ME TIMBERS!

A recent pirating of the usual booty of easily re-sellable metal parts and pieces turned truly maritime when the plunderer’s attention was turned to Davy Jones’s locker on the poop deck out back.

The scallywag found the treasure he was looking for in the form of frozen salmon and halibut. He used his sea legs to make a quick getaway with the doubloons and finny prey, apparently avoiding a keelhaul for the time being.

BAD HAIR DAY

A thief who may have rocked a mullet at a particularly fragile time in his life (not that there was ever a good time) apparently took his revenge out on three salons in a row by smashing the glass in front and making off with cash, computer equipment and hair style magazines. Although there’s a burgeoning industry of counseling for those who are clownishly coiffed (I think there’s even an app for that), our Tennessee Top Hat man took the low road.  Remember: No matter how bad the do, they can fix it for you.

SCHOOL DAZE

A miserable miscreant lashed out at the most revered of all school property: the playground equipment.

As if the general destruction of landscape timbers and rebar wasn’t enough, our salacious saboteur decided to festoon the recreation area with relics of a reproductive nature, both feminine and masculine.  No doubt, these objects caused inquiring young minds to coerce parental units into a dialogue they may or may not be quite ready for.

With students, school officials and now parents all distressed with this revolting development, one has to wonder what could make it worse?

How about a sick signature in the form of body secretions most disgusting?

May you stand in the corner for eternity, getting whacked on the head with a ruler.  (Courtesy of Bothell PD)

SCHOOL GAZE

Time for one more Top Ten List, this one from the annals of things NOT to do when you have an outstanding warrant.

Coming in at number four: Lurk around school buildings, peering into windows in a suspicious manner.

Woodinville Police contacted the peeping perp at his residence, whereupon he was transferred to the Redmond PD on their warrant.  The ’rithmetic, reading and writing was on the wall for this furtive fellow.

Police Beat - Oct. 17, 2011

  • Written by Compiled by Maggie Inahara from City of Woodinville Police Reports

Propane Gadget Play

After getting his propane tank filled outside of a store, a suspect pretending to be a split end walked laterally behind the line of scrimmage, took a wallet passed from his pocket and continued around the opposite end of the line into the store. Because the store personnel would normally expect said split end to run a downfield pass pattern, and pay, an end-around that caught the clerk by surprise resulted in a big gain for our phony footballer.  With one final head fake, the larcenous lout was out the door without paying.  Although flags were thrown, upon further review, no penalties have been assessed.

This little piggy cried “wee, wee, wee!”

An individual appears to have visualized rectangular slots in the roofs of two locked vehicles. Unable to resist a child-like urge to tap this giant piggy bank, the thief must have found the rubber plug in the bottom.  They removed a wallet, silver dollars and quarters, thankfully without having to smash Mr. Piggy.  No suspects were seen going to the market, eating roast beef or heading home.

The Buddy System

The buddy system is a safety routine that calls for a Scout to be paired with a buddy whenever participating in Scouting activities or meeting with merit badge counselors.The buddy system trains Scouts to look after one another to ensure safe and enjoyable Scouting experiences. At least two bad Scouts used their training for nefarious purposes while stealing scrap angle steel and metal doorstops from a local business.The stolen goods were large and heavy enough to require a team effort. The theft routine appears to have been carried out safely and without evidence being left behind. The perpetrators are hereby asked to report to their merit badge counselors immediately.

Top 10 things NOT to do when your driver’s license is suspended

Coming in at number one on that list is sleeping while driving.  Sleeping drivers tend to do a variety of things that call attention to themselves, such as drifting across the centerline and crashing head-on into an oncoming car. If that crash is blocking the roadway, you now have the complete attention of a whole lot of people, who will be dialing 9-1-1 faster than a knife fight in a phone booth. Our sleepy scofflaw found himself slapped with two infractions for the price of one nap, including DWSL.