Police Beat - Oct. 24, 2011

  • Written by Compiled by Maggie Inahara from City of Woodinville Police Reports


A recent pirating of the usual booty of easily re-sellable metal parts and pieces turned truly maritime when the plunderer’s attention was turned to Davy Jones’s locker on the poop deck out back.

The scallywag found the treasure he was looking for in the form of frozen salmon and halibut. He used his sea legs to make a quick getaway with the doubloons and finny prey, apparently avoiding a keelhaul for the time being.


A thief who may have rocked a mullet at a particularly fragile time in his life (not that there was ever a good time) apparently took his revenge out on three salons in a row by smashing the glass in front and making off with cash, computer equipment and hair style magazines. Although there’s a burgeoning industry of counseling for those who are clownishly coiffed (I think there’s even an app for that), our Tennessee Top Hat man took the low road.  Remember: No matter how bad the do, they can fix it for you.


A miserable miscreant lashed out at the most revered of all school property: the playground equipment.

As if the general destruction of landscape timbers and rebar wasn’t enough, our salacious saboteur decided to festoon the recreation area with relics of a reproductive nature, both feminine and masculine.  No doubt, these objects caused inquiring young minds to coerce parental units into a dialogue they may or may not be quite ready for.

With students, school officials and now parents all distressed with this revolting development, one has to wonder what could make it worse?

How about a sick signature in the form of body secretions most disgusting?

May you stand in the corner for eternity, getting whacked on the head with a ruler.  (Courtesy of Bothell PD)


Time for one more Top Ten List, this one from the annals of things NOT to do when you have an outstanding warrant.

Coming in at number four: Lurk around school buildings, peering into windows in a suspicious manner.

Woodinville Police contacted the peeping perp at his residence, whereupon he was transferred to the Redmond PD on their warrant.  The ’rithmetic, reading and writing was on the wall for this furtive fellow.

Police Beat - Oct. 17, 2011

  • Written by Compiled by Maggie Inahara from City of Woodinville Police Reports

Propane Gadget Play

After getting his propane tank filled outside of a store, a suspect pretending to be a split end walked laterally behind the line of scrimmage, took a wallet passed from his pocket and continued around the opposite end of the line into the store. Because the store personnel would normally expect said split end to run a downfield pass pattern, and pay, an end-around that caught the clerk by surprise resulted in a big gain for our phony footballer.  With one final head fake, the larcenous lout was out the door without paying.  Although flags were thrown, upon further review, no penalties have been assessed.

This little piggy cried “wee, wee, wee!”

An individual appears to have visualized rectangular slots in the roofs of two locked vehicles. Unable to resist a child-like urge to tap this giant piggy bank, the thief must have found the rubber plug in the bottom.  They removed a wallet, silver dollars and quarters, thankfully without having to smash Mr. Piggy.  No suspects were seen going to the market, eating roast beef or heading home.

The Buddy System

The buddy system is a safety routine that calls for a Scout to be paired with a buddy whenever participating in Scouting activities or meeting with merit badge counselors.The buddy system trains Scouts to look after one another to ensure safe and enjoyable Scouting experiences. At least two bad Scouts used their training for nefarious purposes while stealing scrap angle steel and metal doorstops from a local business.The stolen goods were large and heavy enough to require a team effort. The theft routine appears to have been carried out safely and without evidence being left behind. The perpetrators are hereby asked to report to their merit badge counselors immediately.

Top 10 things NOT to do when your driver’s license is suspended

Coming in at number one on that list is sleeping while driving.  Sleeping drivers tend to do a variety of things that call attention to themselves, such as drifting across the centerline and crashing head-on into an oncoming car. If that crash is blocking the roadway, you now have the complete attention of a whole lot of people, who will be dialing 9-1-1 faster than a knife fight in a phone booth. Our sleepy scofflaw found himself slapped with two infractions for the price of one nap, including DWSL.

Police Beat - Oct. 10, 2011

  • Written by Compiled by Maggie Inahara from City of Woodinville Police Reports

Nothing gets between me and my Snickers

Sugar is a substance that affects the brain chemistry of the user causing euphoria, supreme confidence, loss of appetite, insomnia, alertness, increased energy, a craving for more sugar and potential paranoia.

The high usually lasts from 5 to10 minutes, after which time dopamine levels in the brain plummet, leaving the user feeling depressed and low.

A textbook case of a depraved sugar addict displayed these symptoms and more at a local grocery while attempting to feed an insatiable craving by any means, legal or not.

A loss prevention officer got between the jittery junkie and their carbonated and candied confections, and since sugar doesn’t build strong bodies in any way, the former prevailed.

With their hope for a fix disappearing faster than last week’s paycheck, this fervent fiend found themself slapped with a charge of larceny.  Score one for the LPO.

Turn that frown upside down

’Tis the season for cooler weather, fall foliage and a plethora of campaign signs.

Who knows if it’s political opinion or pure pranksterism which has compelled persons of unknown partisan persuasion to perform a topsy-turvy of selected signage in the sea of aspiring office-seekers?

Our petitioners may frown upon such tampering, just as those who miss our otherwise unfettered landscape may frown, but after elections, we’ll all be smiling again. We can celebrate our environmentally-conscious personas as placards, stakes and other campaign paraphernalia head to the recycling heavens.

Top ten ways to make friends and impress your neighbors

O.K., this one didn’t make the list: Drive around the neighborhood in your ATV at 10 p.m. spewing mud from your tires and bellowing like a baboon.

Add some insults and vague threats (also in a very loud voice) and you’ve made yourself some BFFs. If you want to be crowned the ultimate King of Cool Dudes, keep this behavior up once the police arrive.

Alas, the anticipated coronation did not come about and instead of being shown to his throne, our bellicose bacchanal was escorted to the back of a patrol car with a charge of disorderly conduct.

(Courtesy of Bothell PD)

Seeing Red

You’re approaching the intersection … you know this particular signal has an exceptionally long cycle … the light is yellow … a few extra psi pressure on the pedal and you know you’ll just squeak through.

The only problem with this picture is that the driver in front of you has taken a more cautious approach by stopping.

The resulting crunch turns calculating thoughts toward repair costs, plus medical costs for the crunchee  — not to mention the cost of a citation for following too closely.

Oh, and that “cha-ching!” you hear is your insurance rate going up for that moving violation.

Please remember: ‘Tis better to be mellow, when you see yellow.

(Courtesy of Bothell PD)

Police Beat - Oct. 3, 2011

  • Written by Compiled by Maggie Inahara from City of Woodinville Police Reports

Top ten ways to avoid looking suspicious

Here’s one that didn’t make that list: Park behind a local mini-mart with the driver’s seat empty and three passengers waiting —one holding a plastic hand gun in his lap.  Note: Do not try this at home or anywhere else, especially if there happens to be an alert police officer in the vicinity.

You got some ’splainin’ to do

There’s never any excuse for driving intoxicated.A Woodinville driver couldn’t explain it to the first driver he hit, nor the multiple drivers who were victims of the resulting chain reaction. Goodness only knows what explanation he had for his wife when he was released into her custody after his arrest.  He gets to “tell it to the judge” next.  Please don’t drink and drive — the next excuse could be your epitaph.

If at first you don’t succeed…

…try the next car and see if that one’s unlocked.  The definition of insanity is repeating the same action over and over again, expecting the result to change.  Our delirious defalcator did indeed repeat this action many times.  Maybe he wasn’t as deranged as we originally thought, as the outcome was different on his last attempt: He was arrested on criminal attempt.

Skullcandy on his mind

A white male described as being in his mid 20s and about 5 feet 8 inches had something other than payment on his mind when he visited a local action/sports- related clothing and accessories store. He was observed sliding without the aid of snowboard or skateboard through the front door with the popular subject accouterment in his ill-gotten possession.

Take necessary precautions

If you bring a purse with you to your local favorite coffee-centric venue, make sure you have at least one strap clamped in your moist fist.

If you do decide to hang it over the chair back, be sure to have a handcuff attached to the purse and your wrist, plus a lead ball and heavy chain.  Oh, and a cow with a large bell attached wouldn’t be bad either. With these prophylactic procedures in place, your chances as a distracted coffee drinker are improved against pesky purse snatchers. One unfortunate Woodinville woman learned this the hard way.

Police Beat - Sept. 26, 2011

  • Written by Compiled by Maggie Inahara from City of Woodinville Police Reports

You don’t spit into the wind

Traffic engineers are generally very calm and laid-back characters, ranking right up there with sewage treatment plant engineers.  If you ever get the (misguided) urge to see one of them go absolutely ballistic, try stealing one of their traffic counters.  Like a surgeon without their scalpel, a surveyor without their theodolite, a Rottweiler without its bone (preferably without the person still attached), the traffic engineer is rendered completely impotent without this tool of their trade. Combine that with totally messing up a five-day survey of traffic volumes, and you have one traffic engineer who has gone way beyond taking umbrage.  (A classic Jim Croce tune comes to mind here.)  There are currently no suspects, but a huge, Karmic traffic jam probably looms in their future.

Like a Bad Penny …

A concertgoer at a popular Woodinville beer-centric venue behaved like a boorish boomerang each time he was trespassed from the premises.  Although the “Welcome” mat had long since been pulled, our rascally reprobate repeatedly attempted re-entry.   With patience wearing as thin as a Ritz-Carlton sandwich, our people in blue rolled out the mat at a different setting: The Police Station.

That’s upsetting

Some things just don’t work well without other things:  Heart without soul; Yin without yang; boat without motor. As yin and yang correspond to evil and good, in this case, we have the good boater and the evil motor poacher. Our pancosmic pilferer tampered with the balance of the universe with the levitation of this most vital accouterment. With nary a clue left behind, we must wait for the entropy of the cosmos to balance out by some other means.

Party hearty, dude

Have you ever heard over the PA, “Well, that concludes our evening’s scheduled activities,” and thought to yourself, “Party ON!”? In spite of the generous libations offered as part of a popular local wine tour excursion, some mischievous miscreants decided that this party must go on. As departing guests were reminded to retrieve their personal belongings, a privately-owned case of vodka and wine belonging to the hosts was retrieved and invited along to a subsequent gala by our festive fugitives, address unknown.